2013 predictions

1. Twitter and Instagram will finally resort to hair pulling and spitting. It will start when Twitter’s squeaky giraffe going missing. Instagram will own up, but only after wiping the giraffe on its private parts. Both are marched out of the Internet by their ears.

2. Apple will say, again, that they’ve changed everything, again. Amazon will argue that in fact they have changed things *even* since Apple just said that they had. Consumers will shrug. Again.

3. A yoga instructor in New York will be so well-targeted by advertising that the brand messages will get into her bloodstream, filling her with an intoxicating level of corporate ‘delight’, ‘honesty’ and ‘authenticity’. Google will threaten to close down her Google Plus account if she sues them. But neither she, nor the lawyers involved will know what Google Plus is.

4. Big Data will be deemed “too big”. Small data will be lost down the back of the sofa at a trendy London agency. Everyone will agree that medium-sized data is probably the right kind of data to be obsessed with. It will be referred to as ‘Goldilocks data’ by a witty British journalist, who will tweet this phrase as a hashtag 17 times in hope that it becomes a *thing*. Twelve people will unfollow him.

5. The big tech companies will form a consortium and pressure government to impose a ‘human interaction’ tax to ensure people spend as much time on their smartphones as possible, rather than talking to each other. ‘Smiling’ will be described as “technologically regressive” at a conference in Silicon Valley. Facebook will launch a ‘smile’ button, which Mark Zuckerberg says is “a nice, fluffy cushion on the chair that is Facebook.”

by Andy Whitlock